My heart has felt tender all day. Soft and fragile. If my heart was a small child it would need a lot of hugs.
Earlier in the day i witnessed myself doing whatever i could to not have to be in this space. I was so impressed with my distraction skills. Some were..
Taking my mood out on the kids, facebook.. the mother of all distractions, eating shit loads of what i like to call ‘soul food’, cleaning the house like a mad woman, lots of work emails, doing doing doing doing doing!
What i really needed was some being being being…
We ALL… men and women have masculine AND Feminine aspects to our being. Think Yin and Yang. This is an in depth subject that i would never attempt to cover in one blog post but lets just say i realised i was distracting myself from my feminine today by being more in the masculine aspect of myself.
Over the last 18 months I’ve become more aware of when i do this. I don’t hate on myself when i notice it, it just notice it and see if i can make one simple choice to begin the shift into balance.
Practicing this has resulted in the concept of ‘dropping into my feminine’ now becoming one of my most favourite past times. Its my juju, my life force, my jam. I fucking love it.
I recalled back to a few years ago when i was told by a ‘healer’ that i needed to “drop into my feminine more” and proceeded to give me tips on how that applied to me… when I think back I’m like, what the actual fuck? Who gets to tell someone else what that looks like for them? Everyone is so unique?
My conditioned mind let her projection in at the time, probably from years of being called a ‘tom boy’ or being ‘too expressive’ had a field day interpreting that as… wear more girly shit, make an effort to appear more feminine e.g. actually brush your hair for once and put on some heels and make up, stop bloody swearing, eat slowly and indulgently like the 1st class women on the titanic as they bite through their seafood, and just basically … calm the fuck down.
These days I feel so much more solid on who I really am and have dropped more of the need I had for approval or to fit in.
What I never want to do is change who i am when what my heart knows it is to be a multi faceted being of stardust.
I know now that all I need to to is love my real self. Fully embracing these archetypes, traits and pages out of my life story book.
Become a witness to my WHOLE SELF. Then with no resistance present anymore I am then able to explore what it really meant for me to be in my unique, unable to be compared to another, femininity.
I play around with some things i enjoy doing so much is only natural for me to be truly present and in a state of being.
- Playing music.
Whether it be an instrument or literally putting on a song i can belt out my lungs to or even cry to. One that the lyrics literally weave through my ear lobes and into my soul. - Expressing Feelings.
Checking in on how I am feeling through the day and asking myself whether it needs expressing or not because most of the time it actually doesn’t! If it does it may be done in the form of art, blogging, posting a pretty image with a quote on it, speaking it into my voice memo and listening back,
talking to a lover or a friend or literally writing it onto paper and burning it or delivering it, the old school way. - Nature’s embrace.
Getting outside and laying flat on the grass or the sand. Letting the rain wash over me, the sun beam me up scotty or the wind come in and change things up or just finding a magpie to have a yarn to. - Movement.
Dancing around the house is one of my faves! Some days it looks like grease fucking lightening others its bill haley and the comets, others its rage against the machine, others its frank sinatra.. whatever my feminine self needs on the day. THERE’S NO RULES!
It could be doing yoga to ACDC or doing sex yoga to Salt n Pepa. It could simply be swaying from side to side listening to the wiggles with the kids. - Self Massage.
Getting my Essential Oils out and making up an intentional fem blend and massaging that baby all over my body with love. Every single nook and cranny. A simple loving embrace. - Silence.
This is the hardest one for me being a music addict. Being absolutely silent. Purposely not answering calls, messages and just honouring the fact that i need some space around me. Not filling up the space with sound of any form. - Fasting.
I fast lovingly so that even my digestive system was able to have a break from the doing doing doing and just be for a while. Its incredible how sensitive you become to life when you don’t fill your body with things it has to process. - Nourishment.
This could look like putting fruit and flowers in my water, drinking it and pouring it all over me. It could look like preparing something healthy to eat from scratch or just buying the fucking brownie and loving my self enough to enjoy every last bite! - Receiving.
Letting some bloody love in. Asking myself where i have created a barrier from receiving love and slowly taking that shit down. Opening my heart. Being brave enough to actually let love in.
Thats just a few ways i have discovered that i like to drop into my feminine and its important to realise that this is going to look different for all of us. Men Included.
I get that for most women going and getting your hair done and nails done would probably fit the bill and thats so sweet. Somedays thats how i want to roll with it too and ill go spend some coin on a new dress or something or do a fashion show at the nearest 6 op shops 😉
Generally speaking though, Ive accepted that I’m not like most women most days and that me doing that kind of thing is generally a big distraction from what i really need in the moment and lets be honest, it costs more coin than my ideas above.
Sometimes I feel the most feminine when I’m wearing a mens t shirts that I’ve turned into a crop top with an iPod in my ears, skateboarding around like i never grew out of my teens and adorning the sunshine.
I feel so alive, so sexy and powerfully feminine just being me. With no comparisons, no boxes, no labels, no self critic, just space around me to be in my multi faceted-ness, sprinkling my star dust around the place.
…. i will leave by saying that i get off on the thought that we, as a collective, are moving into a time where you have to actually speak and connect to people to understand them because appearances have absolutely no bearing on who we have standing before us. Its getting harder to distinguish age, sexual orientation, how successful someone is… all that stuff. The stuff we think is important to know or necessary to connect to each other.
We are being left no choice but to open our hearts and our minds to each other and accept each other as an individual stroke of paint on the one glorious fucking canvas.
Hayley Fleming
Art Work by Rachael Urquhart